


Not Bad, God

by kewkewkachew



Category: Amnesia (Game & Anime)
Genre: Bad Ending, F/M, Gore, Not Bad God Ending, POV First Person, Pity Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:38:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kewkewkachew/pseuds/kewkewkachew
Summary: Based on Ikkyu’s bad end titled, “Not bad, God.”





	Not Bad, God

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Gore, Character Death, et cetera, et cetera. Read at your own risk!

When I finally come down from my lustful high I sit up in bed trying to ignore the breathless figure beside me. I know she had been here the entire time; I was the one who called her over, after all. From the corner of my eyes, I can tell she’s still descending, her golden hair sticking to her glistening forehead and eyes half-lidded, and I can hear her still trying to catch her breath. At any other moment, this sight would bring me pride and comfort; however, tonight it makes me want to vomit. This had been a mistake. Rika was a mistake.

The scent of her floral shampoo is all over my pillowcases, adding to the musky smell of sweat in the room and it’s making my stomach turn. I am well aware of Rika’s feelings for me. Unlike the other girls, she had always been respectful of my space. She’d been one of the few girls who had never asked me out, always referring to me as “Ikki-sama”, making sure the other girls never went too far. And I have taken advantage of her. I’ve used Rika. Did it work?

_“I’m right, aren’t I?“I had told Mai. Her green eyes went wide as I encroached upon her and I immediately knew I was right. She had forgotten everything. She had forgotten me. Why did she not tell me?_

_"I knew it. You were afraid of me, and you tried to hide the fact that you forgot who I was.” I could feel rage boiling within me and it was just a matter of time until it bubbled over. “You had no idea what I would do if you told me. You didn’t trust me because you didn’t think that I would protect you.” On the inside, I was hoping I was wrong, that it was all in my head, but the fear-struck look on her face told me otherwise. It hurt. It hurt so badly. Why didn’t Mai trust me?_

“Get out.”

I can’t bear to look at Rika when I tell her that. She’s giving me a similar look to the one Mai gave me when I… Sitting up, I rub my face with my hands in hopes that the friction and pain will wake me up from this nightmare. I guess I really am the worst, huh? The tapping at the foyer means she’s finished putting on her shoes. Even then I can’t bring myself to look at her.

“Ikki-sama?”

Her soft voice pierces the silence; I know this, but I don’t answer.

“Does this mean …?”

She doesn’t have to finish her sentence for me to know what she means. Will it be her turn now that Mai is gone? I don’t even know how to answer that. Mai didn’t trust me enough to tell me she couldn’t remember anything. She never really felt anything for me, did she? Disdain, perhaps. Other than that, she wasn’t much different than any other of these girls after all. After all, I’m merely a toy for them to use and dispose at whim. A few more moments of silence is all I can take before I look into her golden eyes. Even in the dark, I can see they’re teary and full of uncertainty. Her hair, though usually glossy and perfectly curled, is messy and ruffled around her shoulders. Right now, any other man would have called her beautiful and angelic. Yet my stomach turns at the mere sight of her.

“I’ll call you.”

The truth is I won’t; we both already know that, but that’s all the compassion I manage to get out. Honestly, I don’t know whether this guilt is merited or not. After that, I’m not quite sure how much time passes by before she stops staring at me and leaves. But the sound of the door shutting startles me back into reality. The glow of the fluorescent streetlight spills in through my windows, carving out eerie shapes in the darkness. I’m alone again- but that’s nothing new. Even with all the women in the world that flocked to me, I was alone and desolate. All their attention was empty, no different than being drugged or brainwashed. After all, those women never loved me- not when they confessed, not when they showered me with handmade gifts, not when they clung to me intoxicated with pleasure. And, most of all… Mai never loved me.

Mai never loved me.

Another pang of guilt washes over me as I remember what I had done.

_My arms, shaky as they were, trapped her between my body and the wall. I feel like I have finally lost all sense, possessed by the demon they called “Anger”. I look back up into her terrified emerald eyes. I could see my reflection in them and a feral beast is staring back at me._

_“Should I do something like that, then?” I finally say. “Something you were imagining I’d do?” Mai is shivering, back against the wall like my very own prey. “If you’ve forgotten,” I began, “let me tell you.” The corner of my lip drew up._

_“Our relationship wasn’t very serious. I had feelings for you, but you just wanted a physical relationship.” Lies. I’m lying again and with every single one, it seems like I’m stabbing her. “In other words, it was like unrequited love on my end.”_

_My fingers curl around one of her golden brown locks and I kiss it gently. “But we slept together more times than I can count.” I want to tell her I’m lying, but part of me wants her to experience the pain I had been feeling. “Because of that, I know what you enjoy, what turns you on.” Our noses are touching. If I were to draw any closer, I’d get a taste of her lips, the lips that withheld the very words I’m dying to hear._

_“Want me to show you right now?” I grab her arm and push her down into the mattress, taunting her. She wants this just as much as I do- as in, not in the least. Yet here I am, hovering over the woman I love, making myself into more of the mindless animal she clearly thinks I am._

_“You didn’t want to tell me about your amnesia because you thought I’d do this, right? I think you made the correct choice.” I lightly graze her cheek with my lips as she struggles underneath me. “This is who I’ve always been,” I whisper. My taunting is making her petite frame shake with sobs. I am filth incarnate, the scum of the earth. “So, Mai… Was it fun pretending to be my girlfriend?”_

_“I- I’m so… sorry, Ikki-san”_

_“How about I make you remember? I’ll do what I did before you forgot.” My hands grip her fragile wrists even more tightly. “The new you has no idea how intense this will be…” There’s no feeling to this. I don’t want this. There’s nothing stirring about the way she’s pleading with me. There is nothing stirring in the fact that the woman I fell so in love with feels nothing but disgust for me. “But don’t worry. You’re used to this. There won’t be anything to be afraid of once it happens.” I lower my face near her ear and whisper, “You’ll be glad you remembered.”_

_“No, please stop!”_

_I lift my head, gazing back at her._

_“See, you really are afraid.You can’t believe anything I say.”_

_Then, I feel the truth I tried so hard to avoid, smack me with all its might. Mai didn’t love me. Mai had never loved me. She didn’t trust me. Her body hiccups, her tear-stained face begging me to stop. I fall back upon my knees and stare down at the floor, empty and defeated, holding back the dam full of tears threatening to overflow. I hate myself._

_“…Just go home.” I don’t even look at her when I say this. Probably because I don’t mean it. “If you don’t go home right now, I really won’t hold back.” But she’s lingering and I start to wonder whether she was able to see through my farce. She tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear, her sniffling beginning to slow down. I feel a warmth approaching me and for a second I think it may be her hand. I hear the soft, muffled smacking sound of her pink lips parting to speak but I can’t take any more of this. I can’t take her kindness when I’ve been so cruel._

_“…Just go already.”_

_Eventually, I hear her pick her bag up and leave, the door shutting with a hollow thud and that is when I allow myself to break down. My knuckles, clutching my knees, are snow-capped white. “Why… Why didn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you rely on me?” Tears begin to fall in hot, fat drops. “You trusted me that little? Did it really look like I was putting on a shitty little act?”_

I wake up from my nightmarish reverie, not sure whether I feel relieved. As I feel myself being sucked into the spiral, I dial a number. Anything to keep this pain at bay. And then, the voice of the only person I trust.

“Ikkyu?”

I don’t respond, my eyes shut tightly to seal in my tears, trying to focus on that person’s voice. Perhaps he could help me out of this abyss I was falling into.

“Kent,” I say. I silently curse the fact that my voice is breaking.

“Ikkyu, may I remind you, it is 3:30 in the morning.”

“Kent…” I swallow the lump in my throat, the pit of my stomach feeling more hollow by the minute. Finally, I manage to ask, “Do you hate me?”

“What?”

“Do… you… hate me?”

_Sigh._

He’s not answering and it makes my veins run with ice. It takes a few eternal seconds for him to reply.

“I believe we’ve had this conversation before. What is with you?”

“Do you believe me? That I didn’t mean for all that to happen?”

Another sigh.

“I don’t know. Your eyes can’t be ruled out as a possibility, as improbable as it may seem. Ikkyu, I’m in the middle of a breakthrough in my research right now. I can’t talk. I’m hanging up.”

_Click._

Each breath I take makes my lungs burn, just like every second I exist in this world brings me nothing but pain. I make my way over to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face, in hopes of feeling something different… Anything. My medicine cabinet opens with a groan and I see I only have one dose of sleeping pills left. I forgot to have the prescription filled. The pharmacy’s closed tomorrow.  _Dammit._ I guess I won’t be sleeping tomorrow night.

Cool droplets caress my face, awakening my skin to a new sensation. It feels good. But, my reflection is returning my gaze and I feel sick again. My eyes. I hate them and I rue the day I wished for girls to like me. What a stupid, foolish kid I was. How was I to know that having my wish for popularity come true would bring me such emptiness and loneliness? The way the light catches in my blue irises and gives off hints of lilac, things that I got complimented for time and again had become my worst enemies. As long as I had them, I would be fated to live my life without knowing love. As long as I had them, I would wallow in misery.

Looking up at the white ceiling, I feel myself being racked with self-derisive laughter.

“I get it,” I chuckle. “So this is retribution for all the things I’ve done up until now… The gods really don’t have any mercy.” I find myself nodding to my own observation. “This punishment is more than I can take.” The droplets run warm and I know they are no longer from the water I had splashed on my face. “I feel like I could just die…”

That is when I realize I have one move left in the chessboard. A single metal nail file is sitting at the corner of my sink. Rika probably left it there by mistake. Its narrowed and tapered point begins to seduce me. I start to wonder whether this is how a girl feels when she looks into my eyes.

My eyes… If only I didn’t have my eyes. Without my eyes, maybe Mai would have fallen in love with me. A sardonic smile stretches across my lips as I pick the file up, cradling it in my hands. Without my eyes, I could maybe start again tomorrow, start again with Mai. I would tell her that I love her and that I am sorry and that nothing will ever get between us again. That is my winning strategy.

…And so, I do it.

 

* * *

 

It’s seven in the morning already and Kent rubs the sleep from his eyes as he approaches Ikki’s apartment. He’s annoyed, to say the least, having stayed up thinking of all the possible things Ikkyu could have wanted to talk about. Today, though he decides to bring over his newest numerical puzzle. He’s sure not even Ikkyu will figure it out.

Bulky cars with flashing lights line the street his best friend lives in. He immediately identifies them as the police and an ambulance. As he gets closer, he easily peers over the crowd, getting a look at the gurney the EMTs are bringing out. There’s a black body bag in it and Kent begins to wonder whether the body inside will be donated to the university. The thought of it brings a satisfied smile to his face. So much research, so few bodies.

One of the police officers is looking through cards in a wallet while the other looks through a phone.

“Looks like we have a male, age 22. No known relatives.”

“The last number he called is a person named Kent.”

Did he just say his name? He did, didn’t he?

“Okay. Notify him.”

He sees the officer dial a number and shortly after, Kent’s phone begins to vibrate. A wave of dizziness crashes against him as he feels the blood drain from his face. Panicked, he holds his own cellphone up.

“What happened to Ikkyu?”

“Are you Kent?”

“Yes. What happened?”

“Were you aware of his mental condition?”

He grits his teeth, his gut burning.

“Tell me what happened.”

“The landlady called earlier this morning. She was complaining about screaming coming from the house. He was dead by the the time we got here. Exsanguination.”

For some reason, the information wasn’t processing correctly.

“He’s… dead?”

“Yes, sir. Will you come with us to the police station?”

When he gets there, they explain Ikkyu had gouged his eyes out and was found with sleeping pills scattered around the bathroom floor. His head feels hot and light remembering his call yesterday. When he leaves, he notices the irony of the bright blue sky above him, the color of his best friend’s eyes, the eyes Ikkyu claims stole his girlfriend, the eyes that made every woman his… The eyes he hated so much, he had to get rid of. As destroyed as he feels on the inside, he can’t help but see some morbid humor in all this.

Kent snorts at it all.

“Not bad, God,” he says. “Not bad.”


End file.
